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I'd describe myself as laid back, honest, open-minded, intelligent, fun with a good sense of humor. So I thought that the lottery I won was a dream come true. But then after nearly twenty years and a couple quick FB posts the rang and I knew that the lottery had to have been a fluke because your voice on the other end of the line was a dream that I had forgotten coming true.

It was the best feeling I had felt in a decade. And day after day the smile beamed off my face. But deep inside I still didn't have any answers as to why you walked away so many years ago. And I needed to know. It haunted me for so long. It hurt considerably longer than that. And the things you said.. Well I'd guess that most anybody would feel safe and secure having someone tell them the things you said to me. It me to know that they were so empty. And now i'm left wondering if I did the right thing by challenging you to live up to all you said.

I wish i could go back to the night you asked if you could come to see me. I can't be certain I ever would have been strong enough to say no. I mean I could have said it boldly had I known you had it in you to say the things you said and mean none of it.

I would have said it, screamed it, shit it, hit it, anything to be back at that moment when had I just said NO I might still be hearing the sweet sound of your voice every couple of days. But it was so hard. And you were the most intoxicating I'd gotten a dose of since our last encounter with one another. Beautiful, Sexy, and Mine. Or so you had led me to believe. I know it was a very hard time for you. And you know it was unbareable for me.

And deep down you also know I was justified in my doubts and fears. You really should have been with me all those years. Life wasn't kind to you that much is apparent. But you chose that life years ago. And when you got the opportunity to leave that life and come back to me so I could love you like you deserved to be loved all these years.

You chose to be afraid of the uncertainty and turn on me. You chose to re the life you admitted to hating everything about with the exception of being a mother. I wish you hadn't been so quick to be so cold and empty as a defense mechanism. I hope its back to being routine for you so you can slow down on the hotsauce you drown yourself in so often. I tell myself that the stress of all of it probably had you hitting it harder than you normally do in day to day living.

But I know this is not the case. So for another couple decades if I last that long I will always wonder this. If everyday was so miserable and life so empty for you at that point. Why not gamble on being happy for the rest of your days and put a effort into making all the things you said to me the truth? Why stay in a day to day routine of being so miserable that you seek solitude in drinking every memory right out of yourself? You could have made an honest effort to mean what you had said and if it didn't work out.. Well hell there is never a shortage of in you.

But you have a huge deficiency in the area of humility, compassion and caring. And that is what pains me the most. I had always thought of you highly even not knowing why you left years ago. I wish you would have left me with those thoughts and questions rather than the knowledge first hand of the type of person you chose to become.

I love you. And so I will see you again in this life. I'm not as you are aware but I will pray that on our next meeting you will have found whatever it is you require to quit yourself and to learn to live again.

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